Friends have asked me why I watch bad movies and in turn I’ve given multiple reasons. The overarching reason is that I love movies earnestly and uncritically. I can enjoy a B-movie for those tiny glimmers of originality. I can also enjoy when a movie trips up at every possible opportunity and creates a beautiful travesty; Ed Wood was a master at that. However, in my turn to blogging about bad films, I’ve found two more reasons: masochism and camaraderie. I came across a partial review of Anthole Dickfarm, wait sorry, Antfarm Dickhole, on Cinema Schminema. I took a quick look at the film and put it down. Then I came across a stream of consciousness style review on The B-Horror Blog and read that half the B-Horror crew was psychically scarred by this movie. It occurred to me that I had two options. I could either laugh at the reviews and move on, or I could watch the movie from beginning to end. Of course, I decided to watch it.
Antfarm Dickhole is a movie about a man who has a colony of ants nesting in his penis and he uses that colony to kill bullies and their girlfriends. The movie primarily consists of surface level discussion of biology and philosophy, painful puns featuring the word ‘ant,’ women in bikinis or completely naked, those same women covered in stage blood you can buy at a Halloween store and toy ants, and overall production values that make it look like it was shot on a handheld camera for Youtube. I’d imagine that most of the budget was spent on paying the ladies in this movie to get naked; it’s hard to imagine the director, who plays the character ANT-tony, could find that many women willing to strip for him for free.
If you don’t know what possessed me to watch this at all, let alone to completion, it’s because I was inspired to watch the film by my fellow bloggers. They didn’t recommend the film; if anything, they were putting up huge warning signs. However, I wanted to watch the movie because I wanted to join in on the discussion. For reasons I’m still unable to fathom, bad movies have their own dedicated community of followers, followers who can appreciate the beauty and/or the absurdity of these films. I watch these movies not only because I like them, but also because I like the weird people who are drawn to these movies. “But what about Antfarm Dickhole?” you might ask. “Even these bad movie bloggers revile it, so why did you watch it?” Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s because I enjoy a challenge, even if it’s self-imposed. I once ate triple-atomic wings at a restaurant with the improbable name of Quaker Steak and Lube – it was a former car shop, not a former sex shop – that measured 500,000 on the Scoville Scale on the grounds that I wanted to know what they were like. Turns out, they were pretty fucking spicy. By similar reasoning, I wanted to watch Antfarm Dickhole just to see what it was like, to see if I could finish it. I didn’t get the surge of endorphins that’s released when the body feels pain, but I did get the satisfaction of living to tell the tale of seeing that wretched mess. I emerged triumphant from that movie to tell those of you who haven’t seen Antfarm Dickhole to never watch that film. Unless you are a strange, masochistic lover of bad movies with nerves of steel and the patience of a saint, don’t watch it. It’s almost the worst thing I’ve ever seen.